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Admittedly, I don't put much stock in New Year's Resolutions. If you want to better yourself, why wait till a new calendar year to start it. I haven't made New Year's resolutions in over twenty years. Maybe it's age, maybe its desire for change, but this year I made some. I don't need to list them here. However, thinking about resolutions has caused me to consider some tips.

First, keep in mind a new year's resolution is about personal betterment. A resolution should be a positive statement of self improvement. A resolution for a negative purpose is not self improvement. If there is something about your actions, body, or personality that you think needs improvement, that's a great subject for a resolution.

Second, a resolution is personal. A resolution should be about you, and what you control. You cannot control others, so don't make a resolution that is dependent upon a change in someone or something outside of yourself. If you resolve to have a better relationship, for example, you can only resolve what you will do differently, you cannot resolve that a change will occur in the other person. That doesn't mean you can't resolve to be a better person in that relationship, but don' hold on to a belief that your changes will bring about changes in the other person. You can hope they will respond in a positive way, but making changes for the purpose of changing them is pointless. Instead, make the change for yourself because you want to be different. If you want to be a better son or daughter, a better friend, a better spouse, that's great. Don't resolve that your relationship will be better. Instead resolve what you will do differently, and accept that your changes are done for you. That way you will not be making an impossible decision to change another person, or to set yourself up for disappointment.

Third, be realistic about what you want to resolve. Resolving a dramatic change in yourself is hard. To resolve to be in excellent physical condition when you are in poor health is unrealistic. To resolve to be financially independent when you are broke is unfair to yourself. If you want big change, resolve to change the way you behave in a way that furthers your goal. If you want to be in excellent condition, resolve to make healthy choices, to exercise, to be mindful of your body and your choices. That way you won't find yourself missing an arbitrary weight or conditioning goal and giving up. Instead you will be on a path that leads to better health through a constant effort without a feeling of failure.

Last, don't just resole to do something, set a plan and a path to your resolutions that can be defined. If it is weight loss, set a calendar of exercise times and prepare a diet calendar where you can track your foods and progress. If it is a relationship effort, set a date for regular time with the other person. Visualize the "how" of what you resolve in advance and set steps to achieve the result.

Resolutions are not a bad thing. Setting unrealistic resolutions, setting yourself up for failure, and being harsh on yourself for failure is a negative thing. There will be failings. Take an attitude of a supportive parent or friend with yourself. Through the next year of trying to meet your resolutions, praise yourself for your successes. Acknowledge the times you fall short of the goals, but dust yourself off and help yourself back up when you fall. Perhaps the worst thing you could do at all is to set unrealistic goals, to fail, and then to beat yourself up about it for the rest of the year. This destroys your self esteem and will set you back further than if you had done nothing at all.

I wish the best to all of you in '09.
Good luck!

This link will take you to an outside link to CNN. http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2008/12/29/intv.gardere.bad.marriage.cnn

Essentially, the article is about what I've seen myself and noted to colleagues. Couples who had been considering divorce cannot. The reasons are a mix of not being able to support themselves on separate incomes, or not being able to afford the costs of divorce. I have had a lot of calls in the last few months of people interested in divorce, but none have been able or willing to afford the costs, even when I was offering a reduced rate through December 24th.

Times are tough. If you are in an intolerable marriage feel free to call and we can see what we can do to help you. If you have decided to stick it out together, I honestly and earnestly wish you the best. Perhaps sticking together through this economically trying time will give you strength to stay together through other tough times.

Best wishes to us all.

A man cannot undo his past, but he can live his future differently.

I haven't searched to see if anyone else ever said it. The thought came to me a few nights ago. I was thinking about things I would have done different, how life might be different as a result. Then it occurred to me such thinking was a waste of time and energy. I can't undo the past. No matter how much I wish or want, what is done remains done. I can forgive, I can be forgiven, but the past remains the same.

What people lament when they dwell on the past is how their life is now. Dwelling on the past won't change the now or the future. We can learn from our past, and we can resolve to be different in the future. It isn't hard to imagine a life where you make the decisions you want the way you want. It isn't hard to imagine a life where you are who you want to be. If you can imagine a different way of being, you can be that. You have complete control of yourself.

These decisions and actions don't have to be based on what money or possessions you have now. A person is not defined by their possessions or income (although I will admit that having money makes life easier). A person is defined by their choices, how they interact, and the way they live.

If you find yourself dwelling on mistakes of the past, or wishing your life was different, resolve to be different. Instead of focusing on the mistakes that would have turned out different, focus on how you would be if the mistake had not occurred, and then resolve to live as if the mistake had not been made. Forgive all that you can, forgive yourself. Be a friend to others and to your self. Give your love freely to those you love, and love yourself. Make wise decisions, be thoughtful, be considerate.

A new year is coming, for many that is a time to make changes. Why not start now? Give yourself the Christmas present of forgiveness and start living your life the way you want yourself to be.

Contracts create rules under which people will operate for the term of the contract. Some contracts are very long. Often people are in a hurry to do a deal and make concessions they later regret. When working out details, you have to keep in mind not only what you want now, but will work for you long into the future. Two striking examples come to mind. They are Fitness Center contracts and Custody Agreements in family law cases.

Many fitness contracts are lifetime, or at least very long term. People sign these with the intention of using them often for a long time. Usually, they don't. In fact, the fitness centers count on you not using the facility. They can sell many more memberships than they can actually service. They realize most people fall off of the "fitness wagon." However, the contract binds you to continue paying your dues even if you don't use the service. I get calls very often from people wanting a way out of a contract with a fitness center, because they don't use it and the monthly or yearly bill is eating up their finances. My general advice is don't sign a long term membership contract.

When people divorce, the best way to save money on legal fees is to come to an agreement. Most custody arrangements are agreed, not decided by a judge. A custody agreement, signed by a judge, is is essence a contract. It sets out the rules the parties will follow from then until the child is an adult or the contract is modified by a new court order. I always stress to my clients to consider not just how their circumstances are now, but to consider how things will change as their child ages, as they remarry, or if a job forces them to consider moving. No matter how much I stress these factors, it still happens that occasionally a person will agree to something in the summer, that by winter they no longer like.

If you are negotiating a contract, a decree, or other binding set of rules that will affect you for years to come, keep a big picture in mind. Be sure that you have an exit strategy to end the agreement. Be sure the agreement can flex with changes in your circumstances, and be sure the agreement is something you can live with for years to come.

As a lawyer, and a dad, I see a lot of last minute activity. It isn't that I cause the last minute activity, I end up fixing it. As a dad I am told all too often that a project or homework assignment is due the next day. I have to drop everything I'm doing, or give up on relaxing, to help finish a project. It happens in law too.

I get calls from people who have literally waited till the last possible day to take care of something. Calls like, "I have a court hearing tomorrow, but there is a warrant out for my arrest. What will happen to me?" Or like a recent one, "I am supposed to go see the police for questioning tomorrow morning, what should I do?" Waiting to the last minute, in law, life or homework is the wrong way to approach things.

When you wait till the last minute you make it very hard for people to be available to help. Not everyone can modify their schedule to meet your self-created emergency. When you wait you also give up on your options. The time to prepare for a hearing is long in advance. That way you have every possible option available to you. There may information to be gathered, there may be counter motions to be filed, there may be actions taken that reduce your risks or increase your chances of success.

Whatever you do, just stop waiting till the last minute! Give yourself the peace of mind that something is being done to fix the problem. Just waiting almost never fixes anything. Waiting only creates stress and worsens the possible outcomes.

If there is a problem in your future, do something now to fix it, while there is ample time.

If you are out of time...
Well... call me anyway.

I've gotten used to trying to fix peoples problems at the last minute, although I'd rather they called sooner.