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Admittedly, I don't put much stock in New Year's Resolutions. If you want to better yourself, why wait till a new calendar year to start it. I haven't made new year's resolutions in over twenty years. Maybe it's age, maybe its desire for change, but this year I made some. I don't need to list them here. However, thinking about resolutions has caused me to consider some tips.

First, keep in mind a new year's resolution is about personal betterment. A resolution should be a positive statement of self improvement. A resolution for a negative purpose is not self improvement. If there is something about your actions, body, or personality that you think needs improvement, that's a great subject for a resolution.

Second, a resolution is personal. A resolution should be about you, and what you control. You cannot control others, so don't make a resolution that is dependent upon a change in someone or something outside of yourself. If you resolve to have a better relationship, for example, you can only resolve what you will do differently, you cannot resolve that a change will occur in the other person. That doesn't mean you can't resolve to be a better person in that relationship, but don' hold on to a belief that your changes will bring about changes in the other person. You can hope they will respond in a positive way, but making changes for the purpose of changing them is pointless. Instead, make the change for yourself because you want to be different. If you want to be a better son or daughter, a better friend, a better spouse, that's great. Don't resolve that your relationship will be better. Instead resolve what you will do differently, and accept that your changes are done for you. That way you will not be making an impossible decision to change another person, or to set yourself up for disappointment.

Third, be realistic about what you want to resolve. Resolving a dramatic change in yourself is hard. To resolve to be in excellent physical condition when you are in poor health is unrealistic. To resolve to be financially independent when you are broke is unfair to yourself. If you want big change, resolve to change the way you behave in a way that furthers your goal. If you want to be in excellent condition, resolve to make healthy choices, to exercise, to be mindful of your body and your choices. That way you won't find yourself missing an arbitrary weight or conditioning goal and giving up. Instead you will be on a path that leads to better health through a constant effort without a feeling of failure.

Last, don't just resole to do something, set a plan and a path to your resolutions that can be defined. If it is weight loss, set a calendar of exercise times and prepare a diet calendar where you can track your foods and progress. If it is a relationship effort, set a date for regular time with the other person. Visualize the "how" of what you resolve in advance and set steps to achieve the result.

Resolutions are not a bad thing. Setting unrealistic resolutions, setting yourself up for failure, and being harsh on yourself for failure is a negative thing. There will be failings. Take an attitude of a supportive parent or friend with yourself. Through the next year of trying to meet your resolutions, praise yourself for your successes. Acknowledge the times you fall short of the goals, but dust yourself off and help yourself back up when you fall. Perhaps the worst thing you could do at all is to set unrealistic goals, to fail, and then to beat yourself up about it for the rest of the year. This destroys your self esteem and will set you back further than if you had done nothing at all.

I wish the best to all of you in '09.
Good luck!

Sometimes life becomes a maelstrom of failures, incompletes, things to do and a general mess. In those moments it’s hard to figure out where to start. You can loose entire days looking at the problems and analyzing them, trying to figure out the ONE perfect place to start. But, the ONE escapes you.

When life gets that disorganized or chaotic you have to break out of the nothingness of inactivity. For some, a break helps. Fully getting away from it all for a few hours or a day, and coming back refreshed. Sometimes getting away does nothing. You return to the mess and it beats you down to exactly where you were when you started. For some starting off by cleaning helps. By getting organized, it is easier to make things happen and flow. Sometimes though, even cleaning can become a constant distraction of organizing without ever reaching the efforts that will resolve the issues.

When everything is a mess, when you don’t know where to start, when a break does not revitalize you, you have three choices. One, walk away (not recommended, it will likely follow you or happen again). Two, do nothing, which is what you were doing and it didn’t fix anything either. Three, do something, anything. The latter is my recommendation.

I’m not saying to make rash decisions and actions. I’m not saying to be a “bull in the china shop of your life.” I’m saying just grab the first thing that presents itself and do it. It is so much easier to keep going after you started than it is to get started at all. By grabbing the first thing that comes up needing to be done, you start moving. Once you start, don’t stop till the end of the day or energy fails you. If you get only a few things done, take pride in what you did, and set your sites on the next day. If you keep at it, you will unblock the power of your own actions. You will be able to get to a place to prioritize, and you will be on your way.

If you already know the ONE thing that needs to be done, of course, do it first. If you have no idea at all where to start, I recommend just starting somewhere. The rest will come to you eventually.

In World War II fighter pilots began talking of how becoming too focused on your target was a bad thing. A pilot that lost his awareness of everything going on around him, was likely to get shot down. While focused on the target, the target's wing man had a chance to shoot you first. The same happens to bikers and other people. Bikers can become so focused on a point in a turn they they collide with the point, rather than complete the turn. Its is called "Target Fixation."

I think this happens in general life as well. At times, especially when things are going wrong, we can get too focused on the problem. The focus on the problem becomes an obsession. Other parts of your life get neglected, the focus on the problem makes it larger than it may really really be. The "big picture" is lost and life become centered around the problem.

Bikers are told not to focus on the problem approaching, but to look past it to where they want to be. If they stay focused on the pothole or obstacle, they run a greater risk of hitting it than if the are looking where they want to be when they pass the obstacle. In life, this is like creating a positive self fulfilling prophesy. To see where you want to be when the problem is behind you, is to plan your path past the problem.

Pulling your eyes and mind off the problems you face and looking at where you want to arrive in life might actually get you there. Obsessing about the problem hasn't worked yet, so why not try it. This doesn't mean ignore the problem. It means seeing where you will be when you get around the problem.

Good luck.

So you find yourself hating life. Many people do. Sometimes the phrase is overused, others have valid reasons for hating life. There is no one magic cure for this state of mind. I wish there were, I'd be happy to travel the world dispensing "happy dust" on every person in the world.

For some there is comfort in comparison. By seeing that others have greater misery than themselves they get a perspective on how bad things really are (or are not). Such eye opening experiences can serve as a bandage on an otherwise uncomfortable life. To really heal you have to cure what causes your dissatisfaction.

If you are considering making changes in your life, be sure what you want changed. This is not a time for impulsive actions. Especially if the changes you want to make would affect others. I recommend assessing what brings you dissatisfaction and what you think is lacking in your life. You have to clearly identify what to change before you can decide how best to change it. Once you are sure what things displease you and what things you want in your life but don't have it's time to figure out how to change it.

One big warning here. IF WHAT YOU WANT TO CHANGE IS SOMEBODY ELSE, START OVER. You can only change the things in your control. Other people are not in your control. This doesn't mean you can't ask them to change. But the key to your happiness cannot depend on that person changing. The other person would have to want to change for the change to occur. If your changes involve seeking change from others, or their cooperation, you might consider involving a counselor. Interpersonal relations are a minefield, especially if they are old relationships. It is too easy to accidentally turn a positive conversation into an argument. I imagine arguments are not the change you really want.

In some cases change will require giving up old habits, relationships or patterns. The hardest part of change like this is cutting things loose. Habits are tough to give up and sometimes have actual addictions to them that will hurt you. This doesn't mean you shouldn't change the habit, but be warned it will be a long struggle. If your change requires separation from a person or group, be sure that's what you want. Once you start a process like that it can be very hard to stop it. Damage can be done that is never forgotten. If this is the kind of change you need, consider involving a counselor or a lawyer. Especially if divorce is the ultimate solution. I can't imagine going through something as devastating as a divorce without an impartial third party to help. It would be like preforming surgery on yourself without instruction or anesthesia.

The other changes are much easier. These changes usually involve yourself only. Since you have complete control over what you think and do, the only problem with this type of change is time, tools and yourself. If the changes are too difficult to do alone, again a counselor can be of great assistance.

How to make each type of change? Every situation will be different. All I can suggest is that you have clearly defined what needs to change, how you will change it, and set a plan for making the changes. Accept that it will take time, and stay the course. Be flexible. What seems like a good idea now may not be such a good idea once you started the process of change. I so, start the process of deciding what you want over.

Good luck.

For most of us the power of positive thinking is a load of crap. That's right, I said it. Positive thinking is a load of crap! Wishing things were better won't make them better. Thinking life is great when it sucks won't make it magically be a utopia. The people who spout off about positive thinking are so sold on the idea they can't put the reality of what positive thinking is in terms that apply to the rest of us. The true power of thought isn't in positive thinking. The real power of thought is the power of negative thinking.

Negative thoughts stop progress and invention. Negative thoughts kill dreams. Negative thoughts destroy relationships. Negative thoughts consume people. If you get caught in a spiral of negative thoughts you are drained of energy. A negative person loses hope. A person consumed by negativity is a victim. Negative thoughts are more powerful than positive thoughts. The only way to combat negative thoughts though is reality based logical thinking and positive thoughts.

The ability of positive thoughts to replace negative thoughts is the highest value of positive thinking. No, a positive attitude does not guarantee success or enjoyment in life. But, negative thinking is a very sure way to prevent success and destroy joy.

So, even though positive thinking isn't power, it is the best tool you have to clear your life of negative thoughts. A life clear of negative thoughts is a life freed from baseless doubts and soul sucking despair. If you find yourself consumed by dark thoughts, I feel your pain. It is very hard to overcome the condemning voices in your head that see everything in your life as worthless or wrong. Self help books by the thousands teach that there is power in positive thinking. You may have considered them, but turned away seeing it as mere Pollyanna wishful thinking. It isn't that. It is your lifeline out of the hell you live in your head.

When the voices in your head tell you that you are a failure, a loser or an idiot, you have to stop the thoughts and counter them with something else. Otherwise you will feed the negative thoughts and act out of the belief they are right. When the negative thoughts come onto you, you have to immediately stop thinking them. Replace them with logic that challenges the thoughts, and say to yourself the words you would say to a child who was thinking black thoughts. You are a good person, people do love you, you have done and will do good things.

It won't be easy, it won't happen overnight, but if you make a habit of countering bad thoughts with good thoughts, of finding compliments for yourself, of seeking to give love rather than stew in hate, you will change the way you think. When you have countered the thoughts enough they will no longer control you.

If you read this and think you can't do it, stop right there! That is the negative voice trying to keep you down. Remember that there is only one place we truly control. That place is inside our head. We think the thoughts, we chose what to think. Saying you cannot work on what you think is telling yourself that something or someone else controls you. You may be hearing the voices of violent or abusive parents. you might be repeating negative statements made to you by others long ago. Look around, who says those things of you, other than yourself? Likely nobody! You are beating yourself up. You are your own worst enemy and victim all in one. DO NOT BE A VICTIM!

Admit to yourself you have control of your own thoughts, and that you chose what to think and what to believe. It's okay to be critical if it is constructive criticism. It is not okay to attack yourself and destroy your own life from the inside. If you have trouble countering your bad thoughts, then seek a counselor to help you. I promise you, it is not as bad as you make it out to be in your own head.

I have been in that place. A place where everything is shite. A place where you are hated. A place of the darkest despair. I hated my life. It seemed pointless to fight my inevitable, gloomy Armageddon. I can't remember if it was a counselor, if it was a self help book, prayer or what, but at some point I realized I was telling myself things nobody else was saying. I was convincing myself of realities that existed only in my head. By logically analyzing my life and stopping the cycle of negative thinking I could clear my eyes long enough to make steps out of the darkness. It was a long journey, and occasionally I find myself peering into the abyss of despair. Now I know to pull back. Don't stare into the pit and fall in. Back away from the pit, reassess your life and yourself. Dust yourself off, give yoursel a pat on the back and move away from the pit.

Try it...
What have you got to lose?

For most families with kids in Texas, school started today. I woke up excited about a fresh start, a return of routines, a daily schedule, and the opportunities of a new season. But, then it occurred to me, what is really different about today as opposed to yesterday? Often we humans need some real anchor to think of as a point for change. Big plans always start on particular days of the week. Foe example, we think of Mondays as the start date for work projects, we think of Fridays as the start of house projects. There isn’t a reason we couldn’t start something on a Wednesday, but we don’t think that way. When we want to change things about our lives we feel the need to start when an event occurs. The same process happens as the season change from summer to fall, and winter to spring. People see change around them and are motivated to make changes.

If you want to change something or have a fresh start all it requires a mental attitude. Put yourself in a state of mind where you perceive opportunity, and drive to make success. Don’t wait for a season a date or an occurrence. If you want change, make it happen now. Set your mind on the fact that from this moment on things will change and set out to make your changes.

Good luck!

There is likely one skill that applies in almost every dire circumstance. That skill is focus. Granted, the focus has to be based in sound reason. If you direct your focus to the wrong issue in a crisis, you will fail. It seems most people I know dealing with difficult times now are not dealing with just one issue. When life throws multiple problems your way it is easy to feel overwhelmed or to not know what to do. It is a lot like a person in a house that is on fire. A person can frantically work at "putting out little fires" and still have the house burn down around them because they wasn't a concerted focus to the issues at hand.

If you are in a place where there are a lot of issues to deal with, you have to stop and look at each issue individually. Then you need to be able to establish which issues have the most importance. Importance is relative. For example; If you are having relationship problems, health problems and financial problems all at once, The relationship issues might be the most important to you, but the financial problems might be more urgent. The urgent problems come first.

Once you know what the issues are and which is the most urgent, then you have to focus your energy at the appropriate times to the most pressing issue. Focus doesn't mean ignoring all the other issues completely. In the example above, if you put all your effort into the financial matter you might find the relationship was lost due to no attention at all. However, if you apply a proper focus you can maintain the other issues while attacking head-on the most urgent issues. Once an issue is resolved you can move on to the next. Eventually you will have applied yourself to each issue and hopefully keep the house from burning down with the least amount of damage. This effort likely won't take a day, it may take days or months. But if you lose focus and try to do everything at once, you will get nowhere.

Remember to breath, to keep a proper assessment of what the issues are, to be mindful of what issues need the most attention, to focus your efforts on the most pressing issues, and where possible to get help. You can get through whatever is plaguing you

Not much in life is black and white. For example, we think of love as being pure, however how many forms of love are there? How many forms of love are healthy or unhealthy? Revenge is the same way. We think of revenge as a negative emotion or action. Usually it is negative. Revenge is usually motivated by wrath, spite, anger and a generally mean spirit. However, perhaps there can be a positive aspect of qualified revenge.

What do I mean by “qualified revenge?” I mean a spirit of action, bent on proving someone wrong, but without a desire to cause harm or misery. The wordsmith’s are now shouting that I am talking about “vindication” not “revenge.” In truth it is closer to vindication than revenge. But, vindication is something that happens after the events are complete. What motivates a person to seek vindication? If we are honest with ourselves, it is revenge.

If a person seeks revenge by proving others wrong, the urge is not driven by a mean spirit, it is driven out of a personal need to overcome. There is power in the drive to overcome and seek vindication. Revenge is a strong and dark emotion, but its power can be harnessed for good. When in desperate times power is needed to rise above your problems. If there is power in a desire of revenge, how you harness that power is the key.

There is a fine line being drawn here. If a person’s motivation goes beyond a desire to prove they are right or to overcome, it can quickly become a desire to cause harm or misery. This dark power can overwhelm a person, making them capable of doing heinous things. But if a person harnesses the power behind revenge and checks their choices and actions to be sure they are only taking high moral positions and actions, then the desire for revenge can be a driving force towards a moral vindication.

Always seek to do no harm. Always seek to take the highest moral position. Find power in your circumstances to drive your desire to improve your situation.

Everyone gets overwhelmed. It doesn't matter if your problems are large or small, they are your problems and they take a toll. It's natural to wish for a break. Sometimes we are lucky and a break comes our way out of nowhere. Usually though, we have to make our own breaks. A break you make for yourself is the only think you can realistically hope for.

Sometimes the only break you need is some space and time to relax and collect yourself. These breaks may seem impossible to obtain, but in reality they are the easiest types of breaks to make. If you need a break in your finances, relationships, work, or other aspects of life, that is a tougher prospect.

To make a break for yourself you first have to clearly identify what is the most important thing driving your feelings of desperation or despair. If you find a way to fix something that isn't the big issue you may have some short term peace, but the big issue is going to come back to haunt you soon. take the time to asses what is really driving your feeling of bing overwhelmed. Sure the dirty refrigerator or that pile of dirty laundry might have been the trigger of your bad mood, but those likely aren't the things driving the bad mood. If you truly asses it, you should be able to limit the driving forces of your anxiety and despair to a few topics. When you do, be ready for battling the first hurdle. You are going to feel like those few issues are impossible to fix or out of your control. You have to maintain perspective and convince yourself you can make some change. Otherwise you will just drive yourself deeper into the overwhelmed feeling and that does no good.

Once you have a clear idea of what you are letting control your moods, then set out to figure out what could change it. Remind yourself that a break like what you seek is going to take time. It will take less time than just wishful thinking though, just wishfully hoping for an answer to fall out of the sky could take forever.

You are blessed with a keen mind for problem solving. All humans are. It is a part of why we are the dominate species on the planet. Trust yourself to be able to find a solution. Look for real things you can do to change the situation. It may be that you need to delegate to another (such as hiring an attorney, a counselor or a maid). It may be that you have to take back control of something you had delegated to others (if that pile of laundry is really killing you, and it is a job assigned to a kid, maybe assigning them a task less important to you and taking back the laundry task would bring you peace). If it is your job, perhaps it is time to look for another job. It could be that you need to change the way you work, or to seek a new position at work. If it is finances, there are likely small changes you could make in the budget, some lifestyle changes that could be made, or perhaps a new or second job would make the break. If it is a relationship... that's probably the toughest... then be sure what you need and seek solutions to those needs. With regard to relationship issues, I'd point you my post about assertiveness. http://www.shtexaslawyer.com/blog/blog1.php/2008/06/04/assetiveness.

Whatever the break is you seek. You are better of trying to make the break than to wish for one. Be open to seeing the breaks as they occur. Understand that making breaks takes time. It is unfortunate, but life isn't easy. Make your breaks, take them and keep moving.

Have you ever had a day where you were very busy, did a ton of “action items”, organized an cleaned, made lists, sent out massive quantities of emails and letters, researched important topics in great depth, made lots of marketing efforts and even blogged… Only to find nothing on the urgent to-do list was done?

Procrastination has many forms. There is the obvious procrastination where you do absolutely nothing. There is the procrastination where you let outside influences drag you away from your tasks. The most insidious procrastination is the one where you do EVERYTHING except those tasks you loathe. There are always tasks in any job that keep getting put off. Either these tasks will take too much time, are too messy, or are just repugnant. It is easy to skip over these tasks on the to-do list to go onto other projects. You might get a massive amount of little tasks done, and that one item stays on the to-do list, haunting you.

In the worst circumstances that item stays on the list till it becomes an urgent problem, then you are forced to do it right then. Surprisingly, usually when you are done you find that the task took nowhere near as long as you thought to finish, or was nowhere near as difficult as you had imagined.

Don’t let busy work become a distraction from true tasks. As is often the case, if you put the hardest and most unpleasant tasks first, you will feel like you accomplished much more in the day. You will also feel less stressed about your to do list. Especially if one day you look at the list and the only things on it are to blog, send emails and otherwise goof-off.